Comment - I've been framed

As his colleagues vie to express their finer feelings through art, Steven D Wright's face is a picture

It may seem difficult to believe as we approach the awards season but most TV types are really not that competitive with their colleagues in the industry. Most programme-makers are kind natured and can often be found praising their rivals' work in public. After all, most of us are seconds from disaster at any one time and thus cleverly refrain from slagging off our peers - and it would be extremely hard to imagine anyone having fun at the expense of, say, Endemol at the moment…

But that isn't to say that we producers are entirely devoid of egotism - despite our deep commitment to Buddhism, organic food and ethical shopping, our lives are still a sinful hotbed of envy, avarice and pride. But this is only really apparent 'off duty', chez nous. Those invited around to a TV producer's house soon learn of their host's pretensions - but, it's not the 60-inch plasma screens that matter, as all that flashy electronica is considered passé. No, only one thing now impresses - art.

Since everyone watches non-stop property shows, we're unmoved by the Danish sideboards or that Eames chair placed just so in the corner. But thanks to TV's un-intellectual bias, the only way to prove you're cool and clever is to hang original art on your walls. Whether it's a Banksy in the kitchen or an Old Master above the fireplace, telly types are busy trying to prove their intellectual worth from the moment you walk in. And it's not just the obvious arty types doing it. Indeed, I know a commissioner of tacky tabloid shows who has replaced his Athena poster of that tennis player scratching her arse with a 17th-century Dutch portrait worth thousands. But no matter whose house you visit, don't do what one naive producer did, who, when faced with a wall of priceless Warhols in his boss's house, asked if they were all reproductions.

Recently I joined the TV art set myself after spending the evening at a friend's house gritting my teeth while marvelling at his collection - and, determined to outshine him, went off to the Frieze art fair in Regent's Park. Here, amid the world's top galleries, I would surely find a way of showing my friends how deep I was.

Luckily it only really took my credit card number to make a difference, because minutes after handing over £5,250 to the White Cube gallery, I was sitting for a portrait by Brit Art legends, the Chapman Brothers. Finally, I will be able to hold my head up high, I thought before seeing the results - a tableau of erect penis nose, anus eyes (one bleeding) and a vagina for a mouth. 'Oh, they've really caught you,' said a friend, barely stifling her laughter - a reaction many colleagues have had for some reason. Art for arse's sake? Or award-winning oneupmanship? You decide - my portrait is hanging at the Tate Liverpool until 4 March. See, that's impressed you, hasn't it?
Steven D Wright is creative director, entertainment at Shine