Comment: The real TV superheroes

Steven D Wright realises there are people in the TV industry who possess superpowers

Despite my predilection for lying prostrate in front of the TV, face deep in a KFC party bucket, I'm surprisingly relaxed about the ban on junk food ads. In fact I don't give a toss about obese kids as long as I've got my junk TV. Luckily, thanks to a bumper crop of new US acquisitions, there's plenty of high calorie junk to feast on right now.

Although, like most TV types, I publicly profess to love 'quality' drama laden with Baftas and social conscience, in private I only really love the trashy stuff that never wins awards - those shows you only really find on multichannel. You know the type - glossy looking but intellectually shallow US series, desperately formulaic and as addictive as crack cocaine to a tired exec like me looking for escapism. Normally Sky One bags the best stuff at the LA Screenings. Already, only two episodes in, I am a huge fan of their newest acquisition, The Dresden Files, a detective show with one difference - the hero is a wizard who uses magic to solve his cases.

So I was eagerly awaiting NBC's smash hit Heroes ('This year's Lost' the ads trumpeted) which started last week on the Sci Fi channel. I fell for this tale of ordinary folk who discover their own super-powers. Though a blatant X-Men rip-off, within seconds, like a powerful narcotic, the rush had begun to take effect and I was hooked yet again. Another junk TV show had me in its thrall. But even in a glassy-eyed stupor, my mind began to wander… and I began to fantasise about whether we extraordinary individuals in telly could also have secret abilities. Then I suddenly realised 'they' have been living among us all this time. Yes, I can finally unmask the real superheroes of TV: the commissioning editors (or, as I prefer to think of them, god-like deities - some of whom still require human sacrifices before greenlighting a project).

Commissioners possess extraordinary powers - their X-ray eyes can spot a mistake in a VT a mile off and, although mild-mannered, their superheated egos allow them to throw tantrums that would kill any ordinary human (I often carry a lump of Kryptonite in my pocket while pitching, just in case). Other freakish abilities include the power to stop time (only a commissioning editor can make an overnight decision last six months without noticing the effect). And I'm sure one of the controllers is a supervillain, or perhaps a demon in disguise (it would explain a lot).

Of course, for us mere mortals, the nearest we'll come to superpowers is working for a super-indie in some subterranean lair complete with sharks swimming around in a pool of human blood - but I'm possibly too obese to wear tights and a vest underneath my clothes. Do they do capes in XXL? Perhaps I'll steer clear of the family bucket combo tonight…
Steven D Wright is Shine creative director, entertainment