Off Cuts: 5 Sept, 08

A real crowd pleaser
Is BSkyB taking green to new extremes? Hundreds of screaming children and proud parents jammed into Soho's Lyric Theatre last Sunday to film the finale of Hairspray: The School Musical for Sky One. And the crowd was so enthusiastic that the show's MC said that Richard Woolfe, director of programmes at Sky One, was keen to insert some of the audience shots into Gladiators and Noel's HQ. “You know what, we may even use them in Road Wars,” the MC declared. Quite how a glitter-coated crowd, whooping and waving theatre programmes fits into Road Wars, we're not sure. But full marks for trying, Richard. We're sure the Murdochs, being keen environmentalists, will appreciate your recycling efforts.

Charles the second time
As a cutting-edge channel, how should Channel 4 mark Prince Charles' 60th birthday? Perhaps by commissioning a documentary that meets a cross-selection of men who share his birthday. Which is just what it did in 1998, when Brian Hill made Men at Fifty for Century Films. Now that Charlie's got another big milestone looming, what have the commissioning boffins at C4 come up with? Ah yes, a documentary that meets a cross-selection of men who share the Prince's birthday. This time, it's Sue Bourne and Sam Emmery behind the camera. If it ain't broke...

The 4s go head-to-head in the “yuck” stakes
Are the heads of E4 and More 4 on a mission to prove whose channel is the toughest? We only ask after E4 head Angela Jain's confession that she had to stop watching the first episode of Charlie Brooker's Big Brother zombie drama Dead Set because, in her words, “I was shitting myself”. That's nothing, retorts More 4 chief Hamish Mykura: his staff are in deep debate about how much eye gouging is fit to show in Sir Ian McKellen's King Lear - scheduled for the Christmas Day post-lunch slot - without risking viewers choking on the turkey. “Charlie's zombies would be in awe,” he boasts.

And is that your final answer?
Phone-in competitions are thorny territory these days, so it pays to cover your back. Darrel Denim, breakfast show host on Yorkshire's Real Radio, was caught off-guard when a keen-eared, or perhaps bitter, listener rang to say that the winner of a car competition had, in fact, answered the phone with the wrong phrase - “I want to go topless this summer for Real Radio”, rather than the correct one, “I want to go topless for summer with Real Radio.” Fearing listeners might suspect a fix, but, unwilling to withdraw the prize himself, Denim called the station's boss Tony Mackenzie in his car, live on air - who promptly, if reluctantly, withdrew the winner's prize. “I wouldn't want to be in your position right now,” sighed an audibly relieved Denim. What a pro!

Man City's Sheik is Arab ‘Sir Alan'
The tabloid press has had a field day over charismatic businessman's Dr Sulaiman Al-Fahim's takeover of Manchester City football club. But, back home, Al-Fahim is Abu Dhabi's answer to Sir Alan Sugar as the host in The Apprentice-style show Hydra Executives, which pitches aspiring UK and US real estate execs against each other. He even has a Suralan-style catchphrase: “Impress me!” British viewers will get a taste of Al-Fahim the TV star when the show comes to Real Estate TV in October.

Dear Agony Uncle...
Q.Dear Steven,
I've just started working at a v hip indie on a cool music show - it's a good career move but it's all sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll there apparently. I am a bit worried as I have never been that hip and I haven't ever snorted cocaine. I'm scared I'll become a junkie...
Shit Scared, Southall

A.Dear Shit Scared,
Stick to your principles and think of Dame Helen Mirren who stopped tooting cocaine because of the bloody Nazis. That sort of high moral tone will deffo stop the dealers in their tracks...
PS. Of course, it'll probably kill your career stone dead too, but, hey, who wants to employ a killjoy?

Q.Dear Steven,
I'm so shocked at this age
discrimination lawsuit against Five brought by that newsreader of a certain age, Ms Selina Scott. Does this sort of thing really happen in telly?
Naïve Nonentity, Northampton

A.Dear Naïve,
Selina Scott at 57? Hmm... how
does one carefully phrase this in the
proper legal language? Well, let's put it this way. I'd still give her one - a job, I mean (or do I?)

Q.Dear Steven,
I recently wrote a development strategy document that included the phrases “blue chip”, “linear”, “big-thinking”, “noisy” and “does what it says on the tin”. Am I a twat?
Verbally Vexed, Vauxhall

A. Dear Verbally,
Yes you're a massive one, but look on the bright side, keep using sexy jargon like that and you'll be promoted ASAP and you will probably become director general of the BBC within five years...

Broadcast's Agony Uncle is Steven D Wright

And finally...
Ivan Chandler
Founder and CEO of Musicalities Limited

What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
It's the truth, believe me!

What's the cruellest thing you've ever done?
At school in a playground fight during a break, I hit someone on the nose after the teacher had blown the whistle.

Tell us one of your most hilarious faux pas
Requesting a sync licence from a major record company, I described the music usage as “background in a pube scene” (should have been “pub scene”)!

Who would you be on Stars in Their Eyes?
Ivan Chandler, pianist extraordinaire - I like to be true to myself.

Who are your top three sex symbols?
Geena Davis, Kim Cattrall and Kristy Swanson.

What myth would you perpetuate about yourself?
I always bring everything in within budget.

Have you ever been unfaithful?
I'm always true and faithful to myself.

What keeps you awake at night?
The thought that I might meet and be seduced by Kristy Swanson.

What do you do to relax?
Yoga Nidra.

What's the best advice you have ever been given?
Do everything with love.

What are the best and worst things about working in TV or radio?
The best is when we clear the “unclearable” - the worst is when we fail.

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