“Their attempts at spontaneous “cute” banter made wood look animated.” Read on for the verdict on last night’s TV.

Celebrating the Carpenters

Celebrating the Carpenters, ITV1

“It was as if ITV had hoicked up a giant oyster of phlegm and coughed it straight into our ears. I am scrubbing them still.”
Lucy Mangan, The Guardian

“Oh, please never let hosts Amanda Holden and Ronan Keating near an autocue before intensive training has taken place. Their attempts at spontaneous “cute” banter made wood look animated.”
Tim Teeman, The Times

Where is Modern Art Now?, BBC4

“The documentary was a scrambled mess… a spattered canvas of disparate arguments.”
Tim Teeman, The Times

“Curator and cultural historian Gus Casely-Hayford took a long time to say not very much.”
Lucy Mangan, The Guardian

“An attempt to pin down the next big thing and the next big noise, which ultimately concluded that being a bit smaller and a bit quieter could be the way of the future.”
Tom Sutcliffe, The Independent

Country House Revisited, Channel 4

“At no point in the programme did anyone, be it owner, narrator or award-winning hotelier, consider the idea that they were talking about people, and not just a problem like dry rot.”
Matt Baylis, Daily Express

Jimmy’s Food Factory, BBC1

“I checked it out again just to check whether it really was as guilelessly boostering of the processed-food industry as I first reported.”
Tom Sutcliffe, The Independent